Married, thirty-something mother of three seeks friends.

Do you ever fantasize about uninterrupted sleep? Yell unsavory words while wrestling with car seats? If so, you might be just the right fit for this vacancy! Must have own transportation, as my minivan is full of car seats, boogers, and stale French fries. A love of children and coffee is recommended but not required. Must be available for occasional park dates and/or neighborhood walks with dogs and strollers. The ideal candidate will be able to participate in a face-to-face conversation while simultaneously changing diapers, nursing infants, breaking up fights between toddlers, doling out rice puffs, and pretending to eat plastic play food. I am looking for someone who is not concerned about when I last showered or the number of dust bunnies in my house. Must be willing to participate in text threads that include, but are not limited to: random kid quotes, Schitt’s Creek memes, and pictures of my children. The likelihood that I will forget to respond to messages is high, and those who are sensitive to being ghosted should reconsider their interest.

Creativity is a plus, as you might be asked to help brainstorm new ways to Army crawl out of a sleeping baby’s room or how to get a toddler not to throw his dishes at every meal. The ability to discuss a variety of topics is crucial, and you should be prepared to give input on anything from the best nursing bras to the woes of the school pick-up line to potty training to mom guilt. Must not be deterred by unpleasant aromas or incessant loud noises. Special consideration will be given to individuals willing to serve as elementary school emergency contacts. Please note: this position is unpaid, but you will be compensated with caffeinated beverages, hugs, and bags of child-sized hand-me-down clothing. Some heavy lifting is required; you may be asked to help me carry the big, beautiful burdens of everyday life. If this seems unfair, please know that this role also comes with a reciprocity agreement: a friend willing to cry with you, cheer for you, and share in your joy.

There is no uniform for this position; you are welcome to dress in whatever is most comfortable. Or clean. Or has the fewest visible stains. Perfect parents need not apply, but I am very interested in fellow flawed humans who are able to say, “this is hard.” Applicants with a history of judginess will be disqualified, but I do value the ability to give advice when seasoned with grace. Starting date is flexible and this could become a lifetime appointment if things go well. I look forward to hearing from you to discuss building a connection based on commiseration, laughter, and encouragement. 

This piece first appeared in The MOPS Magazine Theme Issue 2022. Used by permission. mops.org

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