My hair has fallen out two more times since I had my daughter. I have peed my pants on multiple occasions, sometimes in public, often while running but also from sneezing (always because I didn’t do enough kegels). Almost nine years into motherhood, my body is still capricious. Fickle. Unforgiving. But this body has also nursed three babies. She has cared for feverish kiddos while wiping her own drippy nose and made broccoli cheese soup from scratch with a toddler strapped to her back. This is the body that kisses foreheads goodnight and dances in the living room after dinner. My body has been on a journey, but she’s returning as someone I recognize, someone I can rely on. Continue reading A Body I Can’t Trust

Because I forgot to move a load of laundry to the dryer. Because I hear footsteps on the stairs. Because the six-year-old has aching shins–growing pains, again. Because there’s been another shooting in another school. Because teenagers are tossing toilet paper into the neighbor’s trees. Because my husband’s CPAP mask has shifted. Because the dog is snoring. Because I need to list all the reasons … Continue reading Why can’t I sleep?

MotionlessI watch two pink lines declare your existence–the start of the miracle of you. FrozenI hold my breath, looking for a flutter–your heart on the grainy screen. At restI place my hand on my abdomen, waiting for you to move again–our first high five. SpellboundI drink in your face, wondering who you will be–my favorite new hobby. StillI welcome your head on my shoulder, puffs … Continue reading The Miracle of You