Still waiting on my Academy Award nominations for…

1. BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE for convincingly delivering the line, “I’m sorry, but we don’t have the right batteries for that toy.”

2. BEST ART DIRECTION for supervision of toddler Play-Doh sessions without intervening as all the colors are mashed into a single blob.

3. BEST MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG) for the riveting potty training hit You Gotta Push, Push, Push Your Pee Pee Out.

4. BEST COSTUME DESIGN for cotton balls glued onto a skull cap as part of a kindergarten 100th Day of School ensemble.

5. BEST VISUAL EFFECTS for plating leftovers (three nights in a row) in such a way that they still look appetizing.

6. BEST DIRECTOR for going from alarm clock to bus stop with three kids in less than an hour.

7. BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN for the chaotic aesthetic achieved by laundry piles, unopened mail, lone socks, stickers on furniture, half-demolished blanket forts, rogue Legos, and handprints on windows.

8. BEST SOUND for masterful employment of the iconic “whisper yell” when one means business but is trying to keep one’s ish together.


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